Gas Station Goodies

From "The Southern Girl's Guide to the Galaxy," Planet Weekly Issue 280

Who's sick of crowds and lines at major discount super-plazas? When you need just one thing at the store, like a toothbrush or hamburger buns, don't you always get stuck behind someone with two carts full of junk? Does it take the cashier two or three scan tries to get each item rung up? Among the loot are bags of fruits and vegetables, which take even longer to ring up since they must be weighed. Always are the several items without price tags or bar codes, which have to be specially requested (sometimes by the slow shopper ahead of you going back to an aisle in the deepest corner of the store to find one that does have a sticker). Then, the bulk shopper in front of you pulls out a checkbook. They take forever, writing slow as if they are carefully signing the Constitution. Then, the cashier must call a manager up for approval, because the check machine isn't working.

A gas station credit card can be one of the greatest – yet most expensive – gifts you can give someone. I know this because my best friend in college had a Chevron card provided by her parents. That small piece of plastic brought us a lot of joy. It filled up our vehicles' tanks, bought us lunch and munchies, and most importantly, it brought us hours of joy with mostly useless but fun knick-knacks over four years of usage. We may have been nickled-and-dimed, but we had some cool bumper stickers, thoughtful t-shirts and wicked cool mesh farmer caps. Sure the parents complained at times – but I think my best friend's parking ticket total costs offset their frustration with the gas card.

While the recent pay-at-the-pump feature can be quite handy in a rush, it could cause you to miss out on hidden treasures. First of all, there's a good reason they are called "convenience stores." You can pretty much get any essential you need: from mouse traps to town maps, from moon pies to tie-dyes, from cassette tapes to homemade crepes, from cowboy hats to food for cats, from ice cream to nicotine, from showers to fake flowers, from southern pop to pop-a-top, from lighters to teeth whiteners, from bumper stickers to laser light clickers, from Spearamint to Doublemint… I do not like green eggs and ham.

So support your local convenience store by buying some "gas station goodies!" As an incentive, the Planet Weekly is prepared to offer one lucky reader their very own starter kit, carefully selected from stations all over Tuscaloosa by yours truly. It includes: a street map of our town of Tuscaloosa worth $3.29, a $1.59 tube of all-purpose Instant Krazy Glue because you never know when you'll need to stick it to something or someone, a $3.99 Bigfoot FM radio to jam out with and annoy co-workers at your cubicle (while looking stylish, shaped like a big foot, of course), a $3.27 fake stapler that shocks those who handle it - for the co-workers who complain about your Bigfoot FM radio, an Alabama football PEZ dispenser with three refills included at a price of $1.29, Space Lava – it never dries – shaping foam fun for $1.59, a good morning stuffed rooster that chimes happy day to all in an aggravating screech for $3.99, a bag of Jim Bean (non-alcoholic) Jalapeno Sunflower Seeds for tummy growls, a $3.99 t-shirt that presses the important question, "If You Don't Talk To Your Cat About Catnip, Who Will?" and a $3.99 rockin' crimson cap that boasts, "I'd Rather Live A Short, Wild Life Than A Long, Dull One!"

E-mail your opinion about the Planet Weekly to planeteditor@yahoo.com. Before the next issue, we'll have a random drawing from all of you who sound off, and the winner gets the goods! An added gas station goodie, not mentioned but pictured, is included as a bonus! Total value is $28.28 plus tax! Ain't that a deal?