Cooking on the Cuff

From "The Southern Girl's Guide to the Galaxy," Planet Weekly Issue 281


If the topic of cooking comes up and my daughter ever says, "Well, this is how my mother used to make it …" she will either be instructing drunken fraternity boys in college on how to make late night vittles or telling one of her funniest childhood memories. Not to insult myself, because it's really not that bad. I just have a lazy, innovative way of stirring up the stew sometimes, so to speak. It's not that I can't cook properly – as in, by a recipe from a credible source – but sometimes, I'd rather just throw in some funkiness. Are you scared yet? As I said, It's REALLY NOT THAT BAD. In fact, I've had so many fans of some of my zany dishes that I've actually had them ask what they needed to supply for me to cook it up on demand. Considering how easy these things are to make, they're the ones who are really lazy. Here's my Top Three.

First of all, Hamburger Helper is your best friend.
1) The possibilities with Hamburger Helper are endless. Don't just settle for some dried pasta and grainy mix with water and/or milk. Add some personal goodies to the pot. For example, one of my biggest hits is what I like to call "Mexican Goolash." Pick out two fun Mexican themed boxes of Hamburger Helper. Examples are Cheesy Nacho, Chili Macaroni and Cheesy Enchilada. Isn't cheese great? Speaking of cheese, pick up a super-size bag of your favorite shredded. Since I like it hot, my recent favorite is the new release of chipotle cheddar. Add two cans of pinto beans or black beans – or my favorite, a combination of both. Pick up stewed or diced tomatoes that have additions of what sounds delicious to you. Don't forget two pounds of ground beef, because you're doubling up!

Alright, so it's time to get down and dirty. Brown that beef and follow the regular instructions on the boxes of Hamburger Helper. They're all pretty much the same, so it won't confuse you to be using more than one. For those of you who struggle with math, take the water addition times two. When it's time to add all the "fixings," just dump in all that you bought to go along for the ride – MINUS the shredded cheese. If your box calls for a sauce mix, though, go ahead and throw it in instead of stirring the petit portion in a teaspoon with milk. I forgot to mention earlier jalapenos. Don't forget the jalapenos. Simmer for a couple of hours while you play Tiger Woods golf on your Playstation or Nintendo. Take it off the burner, pour in the shredded cheese, stir and wait another 10 minutes. Then, c'est feast!

What is the greatest cheap frozen pizza $0.99 can buy?
2) If you're not a "hot pepper," but more of an Italiano type, here's another classic. First – here's an important quiz question: What is the greatest cheap frozen pizza $0.99 can buy? If you answered Totino's, then eat a cookie for your smartness. But don't ruin your appetite, because you'll need it. One of the old tired surfer favorites from when I lived on Pensacola Beach is the "Totino's calzone." It's easier on a stomach that's been paddling on wood and riding waves, and it's a lot quicker and simpler than the recipe afore mentioned. First, drive right across the bridge to the mainland (or wherever you go in Tuscaloosa) for a couple of your favorite Totino's brands. The next stop at the grocery store is whatever aisle has more stuff you like to put on your pizza. Don't forget more cheese, if you're into that sort of thing. I am. Now check out and go home.

Once you're in the comfort of your kitchen (even if it's filled with dirty dishes), pull out a pizza pan. That should be clean, if nothing else. Place one Totino's pizza down, toss in all the other ingredients you like on your pizza, then put the other Totino's upside down on top of your masterpiece. Bake on 350 degrees for 30 minutes or so, then flip it. Bake for another 30 minutes or so at 350 degrees, then remove, cool and let your taste buds enjoy.

Starch and Stuff
3) Finally, to conclude this list of my three favorite simple and clever entrées, is something with potatoes. Who doesn't like potatoes for goodness sakes? Potato chips, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, french fries? Anyone? Well, here's one you might haven't heard of – "Slap Yo' Mama Potatoes." That's right. It's so good it'll make you want to slap your Mama! This one does take time, but the least effort of all. The time is in baking a few potatoes in the oven. Depending on the size of your selected vegetables and the party you're feeding, you're on your own on this one. If you can't figure it out, call your mother – just don't tell her the name of what you're cooking!

Take a trip to the market. Repeat the directions for recipe 2, only instead of Totino's get potatoes, and instead what you like on pizza, get what you like on potatoes. Easy enough? I like bacon bits, ranch dressing, cheese and butter… for what it's worth. Again, go home and start to Cook It Up! Once you've successfully baked some potatoes, get them out and smash them all together with a fork and/or spoon. It differs on the strength of your tennis swing. Also, if you're one of those anti-skin people, scoop out the guts first. Then, add all of your toppings in and stir. Stir, baby, stir! Mash it down into a nice little pile, then put it back in the oven on 200 degrees for about 20 minutes or so. Depending on how much you've shoved in there, it may take more or less than that, so check regularly. In cooking terms, "regularly" means every few minutes. When it has a nice crispy top to it, take it out, let it cool and eat away!

I hope that my recipes have inspired even the completely unmotivated folks out there to slap on an apron and go to work. Emeril eat my Tony Chachere's dust! (The best seasoning in the world, but that's for another story, another day…)